


There is no typo in the subtitle - the best piece of Thor/Loki fapfiction ever written

by nccis



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Multiple Crossovers, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-30
Updated: 2012-07-30
Packaged: 2017-11-11 02:15:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/473339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nccis/pseuds/nccis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>!! Unapologetic crack<br/>!! Warnings for shameless cliché exploit + possible references to random fandoms far, far away<br/>!! Rated M for language and sexual content</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is no typo in the subtitle - the best piece of Thor/Loki fapfiction ever written

**Author's Note:**

> Originally an anon fill for [this prompt](http://norsekink.livejournal.com/8802.html?thread=18450018#t18450018) in norsekink. I didn't have A3O logins at the time and was not even going to re-enter the fandomz for real. Just fooling around a bit. Upon happening to come across this prompt, the idea came to me immediately: after reading my first 2014983209 Thor/Loki fics I had been thinking non-stop how much Thor/Loki reminds me of Harry/Draco and Legolas/Aragorn. And some others. 
> 
> I want to dedicate this fic to all the wonderful, fantastic authors and their fics that I had the pleasure to enjoy while introducing myself to this fandom. Although this parody is precisely not about them, it was the inspiration from their writing that is the driving force behind all Thor/Loki ever to come out of me, including unfortunate nonsense like this.
> 
> Multi-chaptered because I had to split them for LJ, here I am posting them as one. It's bad enough as it is, no need to prolong the torture :D
> 
> Beta by [sonnss](http://sonnss.tumblr.com/), as always.

### Chapter one: Totally traumatizing childhood

When they were children, Loki watched everyone else play and grew so envious of the Warriors Three and Sif that it cannot be expressed due to the general quality of this fic. But he got really angry. He felt different and not warrior-like at all.

“You are like a woman!” Fandral told him repeatedly, even after they had all grown up and it was becoming evident that although Loki was very beautiful and skinny and perfectly dressed and smelled of perfume, he was most definitely male. A male god.

“Sif is like a man!” Thor liked to exclaim in turn, full of unconditional happiness as if he didn't process cerebral functions at all. Which he probably didn’t, considering that something had to be sacrificed to conjure up that perfect, muscular, god-like, wonderful, tanned, perfectly shaped and did I already mention god-like body.

“Sif is like a man except she is a woman, and Loki is like a woman except he is a man,” Volstagg declared. “It all makes sense.”

The notion of this turned Thor on for some reason. Loki, however, was angered by it, and the constant change of POVs made him furious, not to mention that it was impossible to figure out whether they were still in childhood or not. He didn’t want to look into his pants to find out.

 _I am different_ , he thought to himself instead and totally blushed. _I cannot explain it, but somehow I am different._

Thor noticed Loki’s anger because they were totally connected, like twins but totally different.

“You don’t understand,” he shouted at his friends and his armor shined dangerously.

“Magic can be as powerful as hitting someone on the head with a hammer. Don’t underestimate Loki’s womanly skills, even though he admittedly looks like a totally hot woman except that if he was a woman, this fic would be ruined.”

“Don’t preach at us,” Fandral said in a bored fashion. “Let’s go and make some pranks at each other, we are the Marauders after all! And Lily!”

“The what?”

“The Three Hunters! And whoever!”

“The what?!”

“I meant Warrios Three and Sif!”

“Ah, right. See you later, maiden! I mean Snape! I mean Boromir! No, I mean Loki!” Thor waved and his remarkably blue eyes shone lovingly at Loki, making the younger god blush.

 _Please don’t let this be an mpreg_ , Loki thought angrily and stormed off.

 

### Chapter two: Totally muggles, no, I mean humans, no, I mean mortals

Loki kept his skinny body skinny by eating apples. Lots and lots of apples. He was working at the local market and scratching his ass every chance he got. Just like you and me. Except that he had totally green eyes.

“How did we get here?” he often wondered, but there was no explanation. If there had been even the slightest memory of him being a god in canon, the readership would have been distracted from waiting for the porn.

After drinking lots of coffee and watching lots of movies everyone knew the titles of, Loki grew bored at living in a nice one bedroom flat with a salary that should have been peanuts and headed for the disco.

Everyone knew he was gay, of course. But he never admitted that. Especially not to his stupid step brother, who insisted on draping himself all over him at every party, drunk out of his mind.

“I like beer,” Thor said and tried to paw Loki’s crotch.

“I don’t,” Loki said, blushed and swatted his hand away, because he was a prude, frigid maiden and because his intelligence had been switched into idiotic one-liners to make way for the porn.

“The what?” Thor asked, blushing.

“Did someone say porn?” Loki muttered. “If someone did, it was not me. I don’t like you that way, brother. I am not even gay, let alone incestuous.”

“That word rings nicely,” Thor said and grinned out of unholy joy. “I love you, brother. Brother in italics. _Brother._ Incest. Incest is best! Let me touch you.” He reached for Loki’s crotch again.

Loki glowered at Thor’s god-like albeit totally mundane features shining in the disco light and said with a slight blush covering his cheeks: “I am so full of angst right now that I could destroy a vintage record.”

He stormed off.

 

### Chapter three: Totally, the internet is for Thor, the internet is for Thor, why do you think the net was born, for Thor, Thor, Thor

Thor stormed into his apartment in his bodybuilder suit and threw the skinny Loki on the bed without any explanation.

“What are you doing?” Loki asked.

“The same as every night,” Thor exclaimed and jumped a little bit with joy. “I am going to fuck you.”

“Oh, already? I mean – again?” Loki said and blushed. In the lack of a better expression, Thor closed the distance between them.

“What were you waiting for, a plot?” Thor replied, blushing, and started preparing Loki. Lots of lube, one digit, lots of lube, two digits, scissoring around a bit. By then Loki was panting and moaning shamelessly.

Loki looked pale and slender, and Thor could not help but admire his skinny body. He ran fingers across Loki’s ribcage.

“Why are you always dressed in green colors, why is your hair always perfect and most of all, how do you manage to look like a sexy emo all the time?”

“Because I’m an elf.”

“What?

“Because I am in Slytherin.”

“What?!”

“I mean, because I am a frost giant. Icy. Not even your real brother.”

“Ah, I get it.” Thor grinned. “Fire and ice. You and me are like fire and ice. Dirty and clean. Golden-red against silver-green. Forests, snakes, bows and arrows. Anything that penetrates. Silvertongue. Parseltongue?” For a moment he looked confused, then added: “And it’s not really incest, just in case that would be too much for someone.”

“I hate you, brother.”

Thor was not discouraged by this, as he was totally like a knight and knights tended to advance on people without being discouraged by hatred burning from the blushing rape victim.

The god marveled how he was able to cover Loki’s slender body with his muscular god-like frame that was very godly. They penetrated each other in turns.

Loki, from his part, was overtaken by anger and sexual pleasure and completely unable to consider how they had come to remember their true origin again. _Must be because this AU mortal disco crap is too awful to write even as a parody,_ he thought, and suddenly Bifrost opened and the shamefully incestuous brothers returned to Asgard which was not even spelled that way in reality, nevermind Mjolnir (vibrating excitedly while flying towards Thor’s hand).

Somewhere in the distance, the totally insignificant beard, no, Ginny, no Arwen, no Jane was weeping after her never-to-be-lover. 

_Boohoo_ , Loki thought with satisfaction and stormed off as soon as they got to Asgard.

 

### Chapter four: Totally more fapping material

Loki loved books like Hermione, but that was the only thing they have in common. And the fact that they were both more or less women. So he spent his time in the library, especially in the forbidden section, learning about terrible spells to use in Rivendell, no, Hogwards, no, Asgard.

 _Does anybody remember the alt code for å here?_ Loki thought and stroked the pages of the book with his sensual index finger.

Thor stormed into the room and sat on top of Loki’s book. He started licking Loki’s neck, enticing a mid-slashfic moan.

“Why did you come to disturb me?”

“Why do you think?” Thor asked and lifted Loki up like a maiden.

In the lack of a better expression for his emotion, Loki bit his lip, blushing. Then his heart skipped a beat. (Pretty bad for your health, that.)

“What would Gandalf say?”

“Who?”

“What would Dumbledore say?”

“Who?!”

“I mean, what would Odin say?”

“Don’t worry. He’s dead. He won’t say anything.”

“But I still hate you.”

“I know. And I love you.”

In the lack of a better expression, Loki’s eyes widened in surprise. “No you don’t. I cannot be loved. I am unlovable.”

“No you are not. Besides, it won’t stop me from fucking you.” Once again, Thor threw Loki on the bed. This time they used magic for getting naked and filling Loki with lube. Thor’s Anduril, no, wand, no, Mjolnir, was vibrating happily again.

Loki was scratching Thor like he was being raped (which he was), and that, of course, was normal. As was the fact that Thor was crying like a baby throughout their lovemaking, no, porn session. Thor was emotional that way.

When Loki got free of the thunder god’s grab, he stormed off and started plotting murder with a possible alliance with Sauron, no, Voldemort, no, Laufey.

 

### Chapter five: Totally a climax

On Thor’s coronation day, Loki was by his side, looking so much like a good-looking woman without boobs that Thor absolutely had to take him five times without description before they got out of bed.

Loki was still possibly evil, but at least he looked absolutely beautiful and godly, and Thor looked absolutely muscular and manly, and did I already mention godly?

Throughout the coronation and in the lack of a better expression, Loki was knitting his brow in anger and envy, because he was unlovable and a frost giant and a his ribcage was jutting from eating just apples and his eyes were green where Thor’s were blue and his hair was dark where Thor’s was blond – _well at least that’s reverse_ , Loki thought and wanted to kick Legolas, no, Draco, no, Lucius, no, Luke Skywalker, no, James Kirk, no, John Watson, no, Jasper Cullen, no, Peter Pevensie, no, Kyle Broflovski, no, Cid Highwind, no, Leon Kennedy, no, Archangel Michael, no, Cloud, no, Naruto, no, Simba, no, Kurt Cobain, no, Aaron Carter, no, Gary Barlow, no, Sauli Koskinen, no, Jared Leto, no, Brad Pitt, no, Chris Hemsworth, no, Tom Hiddleston, and whoever else was unfortunately blonde enough to occur to him that day. _I hate blondes_ , he thought.

The reason for all this plotless hatred was that he still wanted to be king. He hated Thor for being king, for being perfect and most of all for loving Loki so unconditionally.

After the coronation, everyone else was getting drunk at the feast, but Loki and Thor met in Thor’s bedroom in the Gryffindor tower, no, Gondor, no, well what the hell.

They had so much sex and penetrated each other that Loki was limping for the next century and Thor looked like he had just found the one ring, no, caught the snitch, no, got some godly action from a god-like pale sex god of a god. God. GOD.

Suddenly, Thor was crying his OOC’d eyes out, and Loki did nothing to comfort him.

 _“Loki,”_ Thor said in italics because it was important and pleading, and gods don’t normally plead like that, but if you keep calling them gods and dress them in faded t-shirts repeatedly, they may go mental and do just that.

“I don’t care,” Loki replied and stood up to go.

“Why not?” Thor moaned.

“It’s all a bit angsty now,” Loki explained, blushing involuntarily and groaning from random sexual pleasure.

“There’s one good thing though,” Thor replied, and smiled cheerfully, and his smile was like sunshine. All tears were gone, and Asgard was glowing in the light of peace, kinghood and lack of proper spelling.

“What’s that?”

“Well at least this is not a god damn Mary Sue fic.”

For good measure, they penetrated each other several times that night. Then Loki stormed off.


End file.
